| Capital Wasteland: Round 4 | |
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Of all the towns in DC which is truly the greatest? The envy of all others? The peak of post apocalyptic living? Find out here, with your host Jasper and weekly special guests as we argue it out LIVE straight to your eye holes.
 Jasper
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Hello ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls to this weeks episode of The Greatest Town in America we'd like to thank everyone for tuning in last week. Before we start, lets take a look back at last time, where we pitted Big Town, Little Lamplight, Canterbury Commons and... errr Canterbury Commons against each other to see who you thought was the greatest town. The winner with an astounding 105 votes was Canterbury Commons... errr... the first Canterbury Commons. We have The Mechanist here with us right now. So Mechanist, are you proud of your victory in our second round?
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Ah ha! I told that villainous Antagoniser that good will always triumph over evil. And so it did!
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| Jasper
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Now, without further ado, lets meet this week's guests. First off we have a Doctor in the house. Give it up for Dr Madison Li! From the great Rivet City!
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Can we hurry this up? I have very important work to be getting on with.
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Jasper |
Quick as we can, Maddy. Next up, we have Dukov from "Dukov's Place"
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Ehhh, you want a drink, clown shoes? I need a drink, someone get me a whiskey.
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Jasper |
We don't actually have a bar here... Anyway, here we have Carolina Red from Paradise Falls. Say hey, Carolina
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You think you can tell me what to do? I will rip your throat out!
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Jasper |
Wonderful. Lastly, Ian West from Arefu.
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Arefu? What no, I don't live there anymore, I live in Meresti Metro with the rest of The Family.
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Jasper |
Why does your entry form say Arefu, then?
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I don't know, I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. Some big men just showed up and put a bag over my...
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Jasper |
AAAANNNNDD lets go back to Maddy. Tell us about Rivet City
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...
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Jasper |
Maddy? Madison?
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...
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Jasper |
DR LI!
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What? What is it? I'm very busy here. Doing real work; I don't have time for your childish games.
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Jasper |
You're meant to be on a talk show right now, tell the viewers about Rivet City
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It's the scientific capital of the wasteland, not like that would mean anything to the lot of you. You're all just looking for somewhere to urinate that isn't too close to where you sleep. Now, if that's all I'd like to get back to my work. I;m very busy.
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Jasper |
Yes, yes. I'm sure you are. Dukov? Your turn.
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Dukov's Place is mine. All mine. Can do whatever I want, drink whiskey and fuck my girls all day long.
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Jasper |
Wait, so this is just your house? Only you live there? We were really looking more for settlements, you know.
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Fuck you clown shoes! You're just jealous that I get this place and these girls all to myself. Or maybe you're jealous of them getting me all to themselves, hahahahaha!
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Jasper |
Can you try to tone down the language a bit? Children watch this show... Apparently.
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Swearing? You're worried about swearing? Wasn't that Sticky kid eaten by ants last week?
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Jasper |
Only a little... He survived. Anyway, I think we've had enough of Dukov for now. Carolina, please tell us about Paradise Falls? Sounds like a real nice place.
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You think it sounds like a nice place, huh? Sure you'd love it there. We'd give you a nice slave collar which explodes if you try to take it off. You think that sounds like a nice place?
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Jasper |
Well no, not really.
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No? Well what if we beat you daily? Huh? Broke your legs and watched you roll around on the floor and you try to crawl away. But then we just break your arms so you can't even crawl.
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Jasper |
That isn't really the kind of thing we were looking for...
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And then, when we get bored of watching you roll around in your own piss and blood, we'd drop a cinder block on your head. You think that sounds nice? HUH DO YOU!
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Jasper |
Okay, okay. It sounds horrible, I get it... Maybe we had best go over to Ian...
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Well... I don't really know what I'm meant to say.
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Jasper |
Just tell us a little bit about Arefu. Or Meresti Metro. Or wherever it is you live.
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Okay, ummm... Well I used to live in Arefu but then bad things happened so now I live in Meresti Metro station with The Family, which is nice I guess. I mean, there isn't much to do but Vance is nice and he stops me from hurting people and everyone is really nice there.
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Jasper |
Well that's good enough, I guess. Okay everyone, that's a wrap. See you next week for the grand final, but until then it's goodbye from us.
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I'm a vampire.
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