The Legend of RedEye
The Legend of RedEye
So, like, a year ago, I’m running with this gang, pretty good deal, I mean I probably could have been in charge, y'know, but whatever. I don’t need that kind of hassle, right? I mean I’m totally capable of running my own gang, probably the best freakin’ gang you’ve ever seen.
Anyway, I hear this dude Colter is putting together a huge ass team of raiders to take over Nuka World, and I hear this and I just gotta go check it out, you know, see if it’s the real deal. Now, the guys I’m running with, they’re all upset that I’m leaving.
They’re so upset they just keep saying, “Oh come on man, you have to stay! You’re the best out of all of us! We’re screwed without you!”
But I’m like, “Nah, man I ain’t gonna let you guys hold me back.” So I’d go out on my own, I travel through some crazy shit you wouldn’t believe, even if I told you about it, and I wind up here.
Now I find out who Colter is, and I just march right up to his face and say, “Well, here I am! Now what?” And you could see right away that he was impressed.
Now he looks at me and he says, “Man, you look like hell! How long’s it been since you slept!?” and I say, “Well I don’t know man, doesn’t matter. I can sleep when I’m dead!” And you could see on his face that he was totally impressed, just like he knew I was the real deal.
So first he says, “Man, I am impressed! You’re real deal, RedEye. I’m gonna call you that ‘cause your eyes are bloodshot as hell and it looks really cool.” He says, “You’re gonna be my right-hand man because I can tell just by looking at you that I can count on you.”
But then, like, he stops, and he sees the guitar I’m carryin’, and he says, “Woah, no shit, you can play!?” and I look at him and say, “I don’t know man, can I?” (Furious guitar strumming) Yeah, Colter, like you said, I am the real deal, and he loses his mind, you know he’s so excited, he says, “Oh no way, I got an even more important job for you! Get your ass into that radio station and make it amazing!” Well, and here we are, swear to you, true story, all of it, every word. ‘Course, Colter ended up being kind of a chump, but I mean, you know, I knew that from the beginning, like I probably could have challenged him right there, you know, made myself the Overboss, but, you know, whatever, I like this gig just fine. Yeah.
So this one time, a long time ago, I'm enjoying myself, y'know, out in the Combat Zone. A few bets, a few drinks, a whole lotta jokes. I'm makin' friends, havin' a good time. Now this one guy, he gets jealous. I mean, I can't blame him; it happens to me all the time. People just get upset that they ain't as cool.
Anyway, he's this really big guy, I mean, huuuge guy actually. Uh, I don't remember his name, doesn't matter, shut up! So this big idiot decides he's gonna challenge me to a drinking contest. Guess he figures he'll make me look like a fool in front of all the nice folks at the Combat Zone. So he lumbers up to me, comes up to my table, tells me he can drink me under the table. I'm like, "The hell you can! Try me!" So everybody gathers 'round because it's clear that this is gonna be the coolest thing that happens all night. And we just go at it. Just shot after shot after shot.
Now the whole time, he's talkin' shit about me. I mean, tellin' me I'm gonna lose, tellin' me that I'm a piece of shit, y'know, all this stuff, and I'm just laughin'. I'm laughin', I'm taking my shots. Now I'm so drunk, and I mean so drunk that it's crazy. Later on, people were like, "Man, you were so amazing! I didn't even know how you could still be standing! I never seen anyone drink that much!" And after a while, y'know, I see the big guy startin' to get wobbly, right? Like he's, like he's not gonna last much longer. But y'know, I take a minute to make sure I'm not so drunk that I'm just seein' shit, but I'm right: it's him. He is wobbly. So y'know, I push through it, man. I knuckle down and I keep taking shots.
Finally, he just goes face first into the table. Out cold! No question. And I'm so pumped up, I pick this guy up -- I shit you not -- I picked him right up, totally raged out, and then I just, bam! Slammed him back down onto the floor! And I'm screamin', "Yeah! Yeah, man! Yeah! Who's the best? Who's the best?" And this one guy, he comes over, he looks at me, and he's like, "Oh man, you blew all the blood vessels in your eye, man! That's totally messed up! That's so cool!"
Then everyone cheers even more, and I was so pumped up, I didn't even feel it. And everyone's all like, "Yeah! Let's hear it for RedEye!" Huh, it was pretty great. You shoulda been there.