User:KiwiBird/Ask Marcus

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The answer to all your problems

“Ask Marcus”— Answer to all your problems

Ask Marcus constitutes a philosophical answer concerning all of life's unanswerable questions. Questions such as where do we come from? What are we? And where are we going? Questions without a proper answer can all be replied with two simple words - Ask Marcus.

Background

Marcus is the wise super mutant caretaker of a community known as Broken Hills. Although he was once an angry soul, his anger soon subsided to a mellow understanding of all things big and small. Whenever a super mutant needed a question to be answered, they would be met with the reply: Ask Marcus. The phrase soon became known throughout the wastes as something that could answer any question, no matter what the nature of it was. Who started the Great War? Ask Marcus. Is there civilisation outside the Wasteland? Ask Marcus. Why is that Courier hoarding coffee mugs? Ask Marcus. Soon, all would flock from as far as the DC Wasteland to see the great Marcus. Ghouls, humans and mutants all went to share in the glorious knowledge of Marcus.

But after a while, Marcus was sad to see how they fought over their questions and the true nature of Marcus' existentialism and philosophy. He headed off to Jacobstown in the Mojave Wasteland, never to be heard of again. Legends of Marcus still exist, but the answer still remains. Ask Marcus.

Philosophy

The father of Wasteland philosophy

The philosophy itself can be described as a way of answering a question which has no definite answer. Ask a question and you're sure to get an answer, no matter what the nature of it is. Although Ask Marcus may be cryptic and complex to some, it is a very simple philosophy which can be applied to any everyday situation. Examples for this are 'Will the Courier appear in another Fallout title?', which can be answered simply with those two magic words.

Do not hesitate to Ask Marcus anything. Feel free to leave a question below and he may get back to you.

Ask Marcus

Feel free to leave a question for Marcus, and he will try to get back to you.

• Q: What if Marcus encounters a question even he cannot answer?

A: Then you would know that you weren't really asking Marcus, wouldn't you?

• Q: If a vandal spams a page, and no one is around to report him, does he still spam?

A: The answer is in the question, my boy. If a vandal spams a page, he has spammed it nonetheless. However, the question is redundant seeing as there will always be someone there to report the vandal.

• Q: Why is marcus competely useless and not answering my question?

A: Patience is a perk. And you did not choose it.

• Q: Is anything strong enough to stop the Bronies Battle cattle?

A: Unfortunately, no. They are too large in numbers, and vicious in their beliefs. They would sooner nail a man to a cross than go against their values. I warn you, beware the Bronies Battle cattle!

• Q: What happens after Marcus dies? Super mutants live considerable longer than humans but they aren't immortal.

A: That is the beauty of the philosophy. Even after my death, the answer can still live on. If there are any questions which are left unanswered, then the reply will always be Ask Marcus.

• Q:Will Yes-Man ever become a real boy, or a girl if he has to get discount?

A: Who is this Yes-Man you speak of? I do not know of any Yes-Men. It's just me, Marcus.

• Q:I know your Marcus, I'm talking about Yes-Man, that weird robot that lives in my cupboard, surly you've heard of him?

A: Ah, yes. That wonderfully smart, handsome robot. He is the paragon of all robots. Anyway, enough facts. Yes, one day, he will become a real boy. Let's only hope he understands that he cannot jump from body to body when he dies.

• Q: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

A: The answer is three.

• Q: Why does the Courier almost die when he gets shot in the head, but when he got shot with a hunting shotgun in the head yesterday, at Zion he only gets a crippled head?

A: Because luckily, one well administered stimpack can miraculously heal debilitating injuries, even if you've just been hit with a miniature nuclear missile. Unfortunately for the Courier, he had no stimpacks available, so he had to wait until he reached a doctor.

• Q: If an Anon dies in the words and no-ones around to see it does an angel still get it's wings?

A: ... yes.

• Q: What do you suggest Marcus? A shiny Gatling Laser or a rusty CZ57 Avenger?

A: Marcus would suggest that violence is wrong. If that doesn't work, then take the Avenger.

• Q: Do you consider yourself more handsome than other super mutants?

A: You know what they say, beauty is merely skin deep. So yes, I'm a damn supermodel.

• Q: How does the Lone Wanderer kill a behemoth so easily when he just got out of the vault, but a paladin of the brotherhood can't kill a radscorpion, even with years of training?

A: Because the Paladin uses his head, not his heart. Also, because Bethesda uses the Gamebryo engine, not something that hasn't been around for the last 100 years.

• Q: How can a lowly package courier single handedly win a war that neither elite NCR snipers, robots, or the Legate himself couldn't?

A: Who said he was always a lowly package courier? His past is mysterious... who knows what kind of life he led before taking that fateful job?

• Q: Might you tell me anything about The Forecaster? Are his abilities in anyway related to yours?

A: That kid just makes shit up to scam caps off people. Don't go to him, come to me. Now, that will be 10 caps...

• Q: Can I marry Miss Fortune?

A: You can, but I doubt it would last seeing as she's never around.

• Q: Marcus how does the enclave lose to two people who don't have ANY training whatsoever, even though they train they're solders very well, and have advanced power armor and weapons?

A: You again? Haven't you already asked me this question!?

• Q: How can two sides of America, the East Coast and the West Coast, Make similar looking mutants? Such as the Super mutants and centaurs, how do they both turn out the same if one is made with FEV and the other with VATS?

A: I know, not all Super Mutants can be as handsome as me. However seeing as we are all made from humans, the evolution can really only go one way. Regardless of wether we were made by the Master or by each other, all Super Mutants are created in the same way. Therefore, it is natural that we come out looking similar.

• Q: how long can a super mutant or ghoul live?

A: Life in the wasteland is short. Most of the times, us mutants or our fellow ghouls are shot dead by couriers or people who wander alone.

• Q: Was the Courier Chuck Norris before the events of Fallout New Vegas?

A: Canonically, yes. Only Chuck Norris can survive two bullets to the face and still have the tenacity to destroy entire armies.

• Q: How come water, food and Nuka-Cola are irradiated but alchohol and chems have no rads?

A: Because you're too high to even notice the radiation poisoning.

• Q: If I was in the middle of nowhere, mortally wounded with no stimpaks, food or water, what should I do?

A: You should do the best you can.

• Q: Would people in the Capital Wasteland or Core Region accept Sunset Sarsaparilla caps as currency?

A: One would assume it would be like trying to use dollars in China. It's still money, just of a different value.

• Q: Oh Marcus, how are you so smart?

A: Intelligence is relative, dear child.

• Q: Can I find your answers to my questions on the internet?

A: Yes you can. Right here.

• Q: Which is the preferable search engine, Google or Ask Marcus?

A: Ask Marcus, definitely.

• Q:Does the set of all those sets that do not contain themselves contain itself?

A: They do not contain themselves. As you just said, they "do not contain themselves" so how could it contain itself? I rest my case

• Q:Can people find wisdom in your answers to their questions?

A: Only if they truly look hard enough.

• Is this philosophy helpful in all possible ways?

A: The value of an answer depends on the value of the question.

• Q:How is Dogmeat (Fallout) in Fallout 2 even though the Vault Dweller mentioned that he died in a force-field accident?

A: The animal never said it was Dogmeat, rather the human named it as such. Does this make it the same dog? I'll let you figure it out.

• Q:Have you ever slept with Tabitha? If you refuse to answer this question or don't answer it at all then that means yes you have slept with her.

A: I did indeed sleep with Tabitha, and it was great.

• Q:Are Super Mutants and Ghouls immortal?

A: As long as you don't fill them with lead, they do live for a very long time.

• Q: Is it true that Nuka-Cola Quantum tastes like watered down water?

A: I believe it tastes like getting punched in the head. Us Mutants don't partake in Nuka Cola drinking like you humans do, so I have no personal experience on this phenomena.

• Q: Do mutants really eat babies, or is it an urban legend? Babies don't taste very good to me.

A: Try sprinkling some oregano on top, they taste much better that way.

• Q: Do you know No-Bark Noonan, what's the deal with him anyway?

A: He asked too many questions. The facts of life turned his brain to mush.

• Q: So I shouldn't listen to anything he says?

A: You should only listen to what I say.

• Q: Do you know Rotface, if so what's his story?

A: With a handful of caps, he's able to somehow travel to DC in a few days, kill the leader of the Slavers and return with his hat. Don't mess with that dude.

• Q: What if some kind of lone wanderer took the hat first?

A: Then I suppose Rotface killed this Lone Wanderer and took the hat as his prize. That, or Rotface is the Lone Wanderer. I'll let you think about that one.

• Q: Is Calamity single?

A: Yes, but she's only into other Ghoulettes.

• Q: Are you sure?

A: You're asking Marcus. Of course I'm sure.

• Q: Did you read the questions I wedged in the answered-questions above?

A: Certainly. I see all and know all.

• Q: But then why didn't you answer them along with the second one above?

A: The universe works in mysterious ways. Ways in only which I could ever understand. I don't want you to end up the same as No-Bark if I answered that question.

• Q: Do you prefer plasma or laser weapons?

A: I prefer neither. Violence is the root of all evil. But if I had to choose, sledgehammer.

• Q: So what was the connection between Ulysses and Wolfhorn Ranch?

A: He lived in that crapshack before moving to the Divide.

• Q: Earlier you mentioned something called Gamebryo, what the hell is that?

A: It is the key to existence.

• Q: What are your tag skills?

A: Unarmed

• Q: What would happen if you took mentats?

A: I'd become more perceptive and a better talker. Some people say that it makes you smarter, but considering I know all, that is impossible for me.

• Q: Are you upset that you lost to a super mutant from the East coast in a vote to see who would most likely kill the other?

A: It was him or me. And I would never kill a fellow mutant.

• Q: What would you do with a GECK if you had one?

A: Destroy the world I have no need for such a thing.

• Q: Is it true the Legion has Super Mutant Legionaries?!

A: Not true. We don't fit in their uniforms.

• Q: Are you familiar with a Ghoul who calls himself, The Ever Ruler?

A: Yes, he tried to get a date with a lesbian ghoulette. Not sure what happened to him after that.

• Q: Isn't he drowning his rejection over at the Strategic Nuclear Moose?
• Q: I hear the Great Khans scout around Jacobstown, how many of them have you had to kill because of this?

A: None. We accept all at Jacbstown, and are a peaceful community.

• Q: Did you mind that The Ever Ruler answered for you in one of his little "stories"?

A: Only the word of Marcus is true. Everything else is false.

• Q: Who would you side with to take over Vegas?

A: Myself.

• Q: Why did the Brotherhood send a sizeable amount of its forces East?

A: Because I told them to. And last I heard, everything turned out like I expected.

• Q: Why would they send them East with a questionably rebellious leadership?

A: Ever seen that movie "Police Academy"? It was kind of like that.

• Q: Hey Marcus, I'm a member of the Brotherhood Outcasts, and I'm in a bit of a situation. A buddy of mine is having a relationship with this chick whos still apart of Elder Lyon's "Brotherhood". It's against the codex to have relations with unfriendlies, and its my duty to turn him over to our Elder. But... hes my best friend... yah know? So what should I do?

A: You must do your duty as a soldier.

• Q: Why is the automatic rifle so inaccurate when it has a longer barrel than a marksman carbine?

A: A weapon is only as inaccurate as the person using it.

• Q: Why are the weapon names non-specific in New Vegas? I know the 9mm pistol is a Browning High Power or p-35.

A: Same reason that there are giant killer robots and mutated animals. I didn't expect anyone to take notice of illogical gun names when you have flesh eating ghouls on the prowl.

• Q: True but wouldn't p-35 have been fewer keystrokes, and if you're putting out a product for the whole world to see, and scrutinize, why would you cut such a simple corner?

A: Again, talking about cutting corners despite the amount of other issues with the world such as constant freezing and whatnot.

• Q: How come Joshua Graham's armor is better than Powder Ganger Guard armor even though they're basically the same thing?

A: However, they are not the same thing. Therein lies the answer.

• Q: How come whenever I try to use V.A.T.S. after reloading a single-action weapon it almost always causes me to enter a state of paralysis even when I'm being attacked by a super mutant?

A: Frozen in fear by the super mutant, perhaps? Do not mess with my brethren.

• Q: Do you know a super mutant with the word Dog carved on his chest?

A: Yes. I know all.

• Q: Where'd the Enclave go, and what's your take on them?

A: The Enclave went six feet under. I do not fear them, for they are already dead.

• Q: Ever heard of the 'Abbey of the Road'?

A: Yes. It is a Christian monastery in the Commonwealth.

• Q: Holy crap! How'd you escape from the Pitt?! More importantly, how did you get captured?

A: I knew I would escape, so I didn't resist being caught. As for my escape, I think that's one secret I'd prefer to keep to myself.

• Q: Did Cuddles ever get his car fixed?

A: Cuddles was killed by Tabitha when he attempted to attack Raul for not fixing his toy car. So, no.

• Q: What's the aliens' fascination with Giddyup Buttercup?

A: Who wouldn't want every girl's fantasy, now a reality, for only $16,000? I know I'm certainly fascinated by it.

• Q: Whenever I use this 'Google' and type in Nukapedia, nothing comes up, but when I type in 'The Vault Wiki' this site comes up, how come?

A: Because the URL didn't change to Nukapedia. Only the site name did which has no bearing on search results.

• Q: Are we subject to a question cap?

A: Depends. I might have to archive this page soon.

• Q: Did you at least find The Ever Ruler's portrayal of you funny?

A: Mildly.

• Q: I went to Brewer's Beer Bootlegging the other day and no one was in there, what the hell?

A: They may not have been in there, but they are definitely out there.

• Q: When will the 'Age of the Toaster!' begin?

A: It already has. Who do you have to go for to make toast? The toaster. You are merely a slave to him.

• Q: What gun do you prefer M1 garand or K98 Mauser?

A: Neither. I prefer a sledgehammer.

• Q: Boxers or briefs?

A: Boxers. They don't make briefs that are big enough to fit a Mutant of my stature.

• Q: If you know everything, then why didn't you find the cure for the Nightkin's Schizophrenia yourself?

A: Because I knew the Courier would come and do it for me.

• Q: Are you friends with a Jason Bright?

A: It was through my guidance that he began his great journey.

• Q: What's going on over in the city of Detroit or Motown as it's now reffered to as?

A: The usual death and destruction found in the Wastes.

• Q: Did the Med-Tek Corporation create all the stimpaks?

A: No. Med-Ek created Mentats and Fixer, not Stimpaks.

• Q: Then who made all of the stimpaks?
• Q: When I was high the other day, I ended up stealing multiple hits of this weird crack from a cat-man who called it skooma, did that really happen or was I hallucinating?

A: Wrong video game.

• Q: How do people on the East coast know how to make Jet?

A: Same reason why everyone around the US decided to use bottle caps as currency simultaneously.

• Q: Were you this smart before you were a super mutant.

A: No. The FEV increases intelligence. In my case, it worked better than expected.

• Q: How would The Courier be able to trick you into giving him the town's money to pay off attacking mercenaries if you know everything?

A: I know the Courier was going to use the money for a much more meaningful reason than my own.

• Q: Do you own a Pip-Boy?

A: They don't fit on my arm.

• Q: I apologize in advance for this one but, you mad bro?

A: No. I am rather calm.

• Q: Will Michael Angelo ever get cured of Agoraphobia from years of psychoanalysis?

A: Only if he truly wills it.

• Q: Hey Marcus, Brotherhood Outcast here (again, contacting you via Pip-Boy). I did as you suggested and turned my friend into the Elder. He was given two choices, banishment from the Outcasts, or cut ties with the woman he was seeing and stay with the Outcasts. He chose to stay with us... at least thats what he said. The Elder ordered me and two other knights to follow him if he left during the night again, and we did. When we saw him meet with her we knew what to do. We had our orders. We killed them. As it would turn out he was defecting that night, and they weren't the only ones there. Hidden in the shadows were 5 brotherhood soldiers, and when we revealed our position they lit us up like a christmas tree (read about em' in a book once. Just reminds me that the old world had to much time on their hands). Outnumbered and outgunned (two of them had missile launchers) my comrades fell before my eyes. I was knocked unconcious by one of the explosions. They took me prisoner. Yesterday I overheard one of my guards talking about a public execution. I never wanted anyone to die. I was just following orders. I'll be blunt. How the hell do I make it out of here alive?

A: Sometimes you need to accept your fate. But you need to ask yourself; is it your fate to live, or to die? If you know your destiny, you know that there is only one way.

• Q: Mojave, Mo problems, am I right?

A: Indeed.

• Q: Is ambassador Crocker a Doctor?

A: He's an ambassador, not a doctor, dammit.

• Q: WAS Kilroy here?

A: Kilroy is neither here nor there. He is merely an etching on the wall, at the mercy of his creators.

• Q: Did the Doctor ever arrive to aid Bravo Bravo Charlie?

A: The doctor exists because of the illness. Once you've cured the illness you can forget the doctor.

• Q: What the hell did you mean when you said, "one fist, two fist, red fist, blue fist"?

A: I see you are not familiar with the works of the great Doctor Seuss.

• Q: What was Trash's problem anyway?

A: Don't seek the truth - just drop your opinions. It is because of misguided beliefs that she became the person she did.

• Q: Have you ever eaten raw salient green?

A: I've eaten raw human. Does that count?

• Q: How did Little Buster die in Freeside?

A: Carelessness.

• Q: Do you have a copy of 'U.S. Army: 30 Handy Flamethrower Recipes' and if so, can I borrow it?

A: I disdain violence, and therefore do not keep such abhorrent books.

• Q: How could motivational sayings etched on bobbleheads increase one's skill?

A: People believe what they want. If they believe that a plastic toy makes them a better human, then they will strive to match those beliefs and make them a reality.

• Q: How come Frank Weathers won't talk to me? I have to tell him about his familly!

A: You may talk, but only he can choose to listen.

• Q: Why do you only have one tag skill?

A: When an ordinary mutant attains knowledge, he is a genius; when a genius attains understanding, he is an ordinary mutant.

• Q: How the hell can you have 2281 Luck?!?!

A: The same way I know all.

• Q: What happened to your SPECIAL? It changed and your INT can't be correct... could it?

A: If you believed that it was only a 5 out of 10, you wouldn't come here to ask me, now would you?

• Q: Can you tell who's asking all these questions?

A: I believe it is that curious ghoul, the Ever Ruler.

Notes

• Marcus has the right to refuse an answer to anybody.
• Marcus would like to thank Grif and Atheon for their hilarious argument which led to the creation of his wondrous philosophy.

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